The Five Rules of Swinging

Mar 05, 2023


Rule #1: Enthusiastic Consent

Some men conspire to make a certain sexual scene take place, often with some significant negotiation or even begging their partners. What we have seen and learned is that some things are not meant to happen. If a person — man or woman — isn’t enthusiastic about a suggested sexual activity, the activity should be dropped. Whether it is providing a blow job at the pool, dancing with a stranger, or being spanked on a St Andrew's cross by a dungeon master — don’t think that convincing someone to do something that they hate is going to work. People will only dig their heels in deeper next time, and going in with a negative attitude will generally ensure that the next time will be worse for you — even if they liked it. If you are asking someone you don’t know well if they want to do something with you, and they don’t enthusiastically agree, then consider your request denied. Consent should be enthusiastic, or it is assumed to be withheld. More conversation is likely one remedy, and time is possibly another. That said, it may never happen.

The second rule of swinging is...

Rule #2: 'The Four Thumbs Up' Rule

This means that when you are arranging to sleep with another couple, it must be a four-way agreement. One person might be over the moon, and another person may be interested but not enthusiastic. That is okay. The key thing here is that it is four thumbs up. Everyone is open to and agreeable to having sex in a group. No one is going to take it for the team and be happy about it. If he or she isn’t happy, then you risk losing enthusiasm for the whole thing. 

Rule #3: The Ladies Are in Charge!!

Ladies run the show. The men may arrange the venue, the transportation, the meals, the drinks, the entertainment, and the music, but when it comes to sex and dancing — and the removal of clothing and whatever comes after that — ladies are in charge. There is no wiggle room here. If she says it is over, it is over. If she wants to go home, then she is going home. If she wants to stay, you're staying. Women have always been in charge because that is the only way that the lifestyle can work. If your woman doesn't want to be there, then you have to go and fix things so that she wants to come back. Most women I talk to have a fabulous relationship with their partner, but if there is a problem, the club or the event isn't the place to solve it. Forget this rule at your peril!!

Rule #4: Politeness is the Policy

There is a belief by some new to the lifestyle that because the people in the lifestyle have decided that they don’t require a ring to have sex with you that they are somehow less cultured. Nothing could be further from the truth. Many, if not most, folk in the lifestyle are adept in conversation, communication, personal health, and personal style. They are typically polite to a fault and would never cause a scene or even want to make anyone uncomfortable. In our many years in the lifestyle, we are seeing fewer incidents of rudeness and poor departure than we see in our vanilla lives. This is one of the nicest aspects of the lifestyle. Not only are people more friendly than ordinary people, but they tend to be far more polite and often classier. This may be partly because people's success in the swinging lifestyle requires the same skills and abilities they have in their vanilla lives. As mentioned, politeness, class, communication, and courtesy never go out of style. And whether or not you end up hooking up with couples, I can guarantee that you will have some of the most interesting and memorable conversations. 

Rule #5: Sometimes You Will Crap Out, and It's No One's Fault

There is a belief that because you are at a swinger event, cruise, or party, you are going to meet the perfect couple or single, and that you are going to have a good time. That is, again, a belief but not a fact. There are going to be times when you are off, and the people you want are not going to be there. There are going to be situations where you say the wrong thing or you give off the wrong vibe. But there are also going to be times when you need to appreciate and be grateful for each other and be glad you are both in a sexy place.

Swinging is a bit like fishing; sometimes, the fish are biting, and sometimes you have the wrong bait or you are fishing in the wrong place. That is OK. It’s OK, and you will become a better fisherman as you continue along this journey. The important thing is to ensure that your spouse has a good time and is in no way aware that you may be disappointed because you didn’t hook up. If your partner starts believing that you don’t value her more than some stranger you didn’t hook up with, the game will end forever. Don’t be a schmuck. Be happy no matter what happens, and make sure your partner knows you love them for being there with you.


Of course, there are more than five rules, but these are the most important. If you find yourself struggling with navigating the lifestyle, then you have the resources at to help you. We have classes, extensive how-to courses, and coaching to help you be more successful at the world's most fun indoor / outdoor activity.